exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize