I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
