it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
