Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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