Pappa wants mamma naked
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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