its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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