Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
