His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
