i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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