I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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