grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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