upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
