I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
