I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
