So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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