there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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