It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
