Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
