I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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