I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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