my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she pinky promised me she was 18
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
