Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
your like the ambassador to my penis.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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