In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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