1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
