No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
