I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
