Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
