rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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