Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize