Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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