i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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