Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i came on her dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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