I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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