I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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