you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Green mimosas i think yes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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