my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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