Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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