hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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