sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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