I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
