the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
