i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
