My sheets look like a crime scene.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
