He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
