sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
