I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
