no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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