I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
