I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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