You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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