I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
