I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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