the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
