apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
